Just Living Diversity

マニラでのソーシャルワークとの出会い記録から、日本のソーシャルワーク×多文化/法的支援、インドで暮らし、働き、旅するカラフルさ、インド&野草ごはん、身体を解すこと、レジリエンス/回復についての試行錯誤を記録したく。 私もあなたも、ゆるく受けいれて生きていけるといいなと祈りながら。


One of the event has gone !!!
feeling exhaaaaaaaaausted...

I wanted to prepare this with peaceful mind but it was hard...
only 2 of us were mainly prepared n both of us have other roles..who is the leader? why should I do this? why only I'm staying late at the office ?
those kind of feeling of victimizing myself suffered me a lot... I hated myself feeling victimized. I thought I should stop this kind of pattern but I couldn't control how I feel n that made me I'm totally bad at managing myself and the tasks..... which made me soooo tired n lonely n desperate...😥😥😥
last week my senior told me that i should control my task. I felt irritated and I posed for a while but I couldn't say No.... how can I say I can't ? what if I say I can't ?
small small anger accumulated in my mind.
other ppl made the equipment list and task allocation list of the event day n I was asked to finalize... what was written already I just left n someone asks me what's this?it's natural to be asked but I felt I don't knooooow that is not what I wrote!!!!!!!! I know that I'm responsible for that but ....sigh....
it was almost my first time to do this kind of thing or I can say after longtime. I planned and ran event as a volunteer group but when I do this in a big hall as part of my work I felt much more nervous. being tired, it became harder to do Even simple things... that is what I faced in the last days of India office. I should have learnt to take care of myself but am I treating myself so badly again !? I felt so desperate about that...I still want to do the things perfectly n when someone says something to me I feel being criticized n demotivated....no. its spiral staircase. I'm recovering little by little.
after longtime these several days I desired sweet things like cookies chocolates and ate too much...:(
I went self help meeting n recalled that I can't control my feelings. just surrender.
Ah i still have other tasks ahhh how can I allocate tasks to others!?
I caaaaant I wanna protect myself!
just go with the flow. vipassana... clean up.
hmmm do nothing. nothing. just take rest.
anyway, I'd like to reflect what I could do (maybe there was more than I think) and what I'd like to show gratitude! so that I can respect myself.😘

what I could do...&tips good points🤣
😉appeared in the office in the event day
->set low hardle, just coming is ok. even not coming is ok sometimes :)
😉done the event without any big problem
->prepared well. had briefing twice.
😉introduced volunteer groups on time in a good mood
->I'm naturally good at it.😉& had a nice idea by one of the organization
😉Say thanks as much as I can,( though I felt im taking too much tasks that is unfair, I felt myself childish n bad...self defeating..bcz im angry and tired )
-> be aware of trying to say that.
😉rely on colleagues
-> bit hard.... how to allocate I wanna ask my senior. points in mind ?
surrender that I can't even organize ! from this level I can rely on others
( pls make task list...)
😉made allocation list
-> review in the meetings twice. everyone's every cell should be filled to clarify their role. leader should be free n go around to see what's happening.
let's try to use receiver.. at earthquake drill.
said I don't wanna, I cant do this any longer....myt be childish or selfish but better than saying NOTHING !

thanks list 😍 kind words etc.
you just be here. that's enough.
you are strong. yes. I'm strong to be vulnerable n show weakness
still, you are patient
preparing obento
preparing sweets
giving advice (much better than being said NOTHING)

haaaa.ok take rest. do nothing.