Living Diversity

マニラでのソーシャルワークとの出会い記録から、日本のソーシャルワーク×多文化/法的支援、インドで暮らし、働き、旅するカラフルさ、インド&野草ごはん、身体を解すこと、レジリエンス/回復についての試行錯誤を記録したく。 私もあなたも、ゆるく受けいれて生きていけるといいなと祈りながら。 フィリピンのダグダガイという竹の棒とココナッツオイルを使うフットセラピーが大好きでマニラまで習いにゆき、ひっそり身近なひとに好評です:)要らないものがごっそり削ぎ落とされ、ぐぐっと押しポイントに届く感じがたまりません^^

exhausted...ズルしても真面目も生きて行ける気がしたよ

One of the event has gone !!!
feeling exhaaaaaaaaausted...

I wanted to prepare this with peaceful mind but it was hard...
only 2 of us were mainly prepared n both of us have other roles..who is the leader? why should I do this? why only I'm staying late at the office ?
those kind of feeling of victimizing myself suffered me a lot... I hated myself feeling victimized. I thought I should stop this kind of pattern but I couldn't control how I feel n that made me I'm totally bad at managing myself and the tasks..... which made me soooo tired n lonely n desperate...😥😥😥
last week my senior told me that i should control my task. I felt irritated and I posed for a while but I couldn't say No.... how can I say I can't ? what if I say I can't ?
small small anger accumulated in my mind.
other ppl made the equipment list and task allocation list of the event day n I was asked to finalize... what was written already I just left n someone asks me what's this?it's natural to be asked but I felt I don't knooooow that is not what I wrote!!!!!!!! I know that I'm responsible for that but ....sigh....
it was almost my first time to do this kind of thing or I can say after longtime. I planned and ran event as a volunteer group but when I do this in a big hall as part of my work I felt much more nervous. being tired, it became harder to do Even simple things... that is what I faced in the last days of India office. I should have learnt to take care of myself but am I treating myself so badly again !? I felt so desperate about that...I still want to do the things perfectly n when someone says something to me I feel being criticized n demotivated....no. its spiral staircase. I'm recovering little by little.
after longtime these several days I desired sweet things like cookies chocolates and ate too much...:(
I went self help meeting n recalled that I can't control my feelings. just surrender.
Ah i still have other tasks ahhh how can I allocate tasks to others!?
I caaaaant I wanna protect myself!
just go with the flow. vipassana... clean up.
hmmm do nothing. nothing. just take rest.
anyway, I'd like to reflect what I could do (maybe there was more than I think) and what I'd like to show gratitude! so that I can respect myself.😘

what I could do...&tips good points🤣
😉appeared in the office in the event day
->set low hardle, just coming is ok. even not coming is ok sometimes :)
😉done the event without any big problem
->prepared well. had briefing twice.
😉introduced volunteer groups on time in a good mood
->I'm naturally good at it.😉& had a nice idea by one of the organization
😉Say thanks as much as I can,( though I felt im taking too much tasks that is unfair, I felt myself childish n bad...self defeating..bcz im angry and tired )
-> be aware of trying to say that.
😉rely on colleagues
-> bit hard.... how to allocate I wanna ask my senior. points in mind ?
surrender that I can't even organize ! from this level I can rely on others
( pls make task list...)
😉made allocation list
-> review in the meetings twice. everyone's every cell should be filled to clarify their role. leader should be free n go around to see what's happening.
let's try to use receiver.. at earthquake drill.
said I don't wanna, I cant do this any longer....myt be childish or selfish but better than saying NOTHING !

thanks list 😍 kind words etc.
you just be here. that's enough.
you are strong. yes. I'm strong to be vulnerable n show weakness
still, you are patient
preparing obento
preparing sweets
giving advice (much better than being said NOTHING)

haaaa.ok take rest. do nothing.