Living Diversity

マニラでのソーシャルワークとの出会い記録から、日本のソーシャルワーク×多文化/法的支援、インドで暮らし、働き、旅するカラフルさ、インド&野草ごはん、身体を解すこと、レジリエンス/回復についての試行錯誤を記録したく。 私もあなたも、ゆるく受けいれて生きていけるといいなと祈りながら。

In the middle of the journey of recovery

I attended coda meeting after 6 months.

Especially these 2 months, my work has been  emotionally so tough bcz of relationship with someone in my company.

When she is irritated I feel I'm criticised, regardless if it is true or not.
 Even it's true my value does not change. I know that but still
I really hate and afraid of being criticised.
I seek for approval by others...
It chokes me too much. I can't breathe.
I know I can't manage her temper.

I can imagine she is also somehow co-de pendent.

One day she seemed to need some information and I gave her a document which might help her. She silently said thanks without looking at me and later she teared a paper into very small pieces. I couldn't check if it was the paper I gave to her but I felt it was. I know I just take it in the most negative way but every inch of her action automatically hurts me. That's very tough. I know I don't need to be a victim but I'm so co-defendant. I feel I can't take care of myself.
I can't stop feeling so tough and ends up crying in a metro while commuting or even in a washroom in the office....

Same situation happened in my childhood. My mom sometimes could not clean the room when she was tired.
I wanted to help her and I cleaned the room. Then she got mad and said " I'm terrible that I can't even clean the room!!! " she seemed to feel that she is worthless. I tried to support her which resulted in making her feel being criticised. And that also made me feel worthless and being criticised... Maybe, she didn't want to criticise me and of course I didn't mean to criticise her. Probably what I can / could is to do only my part and wait others to feel better with their own pace.

In the meeting I recalled that I'm not alone.  Other coda mates also suffer from similar problems. Dont know how to take care of self. Dont know what to feel.
And higher power is here to help me. I feel better.  I will feel better.

Actually today I opened the door for the meeting , set the documents and took role of time keeper. I felt good.
One coda mate told me that she liked the story I shared. I also felt relieved by listening to her story.
Even feeling sad mad tough, my experiences may help others to recover.
I myself am also learning to recover. Recovery is continuous process of keeping on  recovering.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the thing I can't change, courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference...

Let her solve her own issues.
Let me struggle and learn about myself.
God, pls help me to be myself regardless of what others say to me.